Phone reception in canola fields isn’t as good as you would expect.
On a more serious note this evening folks. Now that my mum has moved on, I feel as though my primary motivation to succeed in studies and work - to care for her and give her everything she deserved - is gone too. She never hurt anyone, was such a nice person, and deserved so much more. I know it sound cheesy, but it was the most powerful motivation to succeed in the world.
Now that a year has almost past, I feel as though my progress in life is slowing down and I have little to no purpose or direction whatsoever. I’m studying and working, but what for? I’m terrified of my dreams, and my idle thoughts. I’m an introvert, and society tells me that’s not a good thing. I’m not another lame emo person, I’m just scared of where I am now, and where I’m going, and am questioning my relevance on this planet. I don’t know how else to explain it, but I’m sure others understand.
I know most people didn’t live their childhoods by looking after and out for a parent instead of the other way around, so I know it is possible to have a sense of worth and importance without it, and it’s certainly not a conscious decision on my own part to think little of my abilities and purpose, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I do.
Is it possible to have a midlife crisis when you’re 22?
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Realize that whenever an admired young man asks a question of his elders, it opens the floodgates of endless advice. Doesn’t matter if the advice is good or right or logical … we old farts just like telling you younguns how it is.
That being said, I would say you are in the process of writing some great code internally that will let you process life’s input … both good and not so good … and output something that both makes logical sense and is unspeakably beautiful at the same time.
Some other old fart once said “An unexamined life is not worth living” or something like that.
As a thinker and not just a blind follower, you will likely have bouts of questioning like this throughout your life. The good news is, you’ll find others just like you who also are searching for meaning. They’re hard to find (at least they have been for me) but once you connect, it only takes a few of them to help make life sooooooo much sweeter than what I imagine it is for those who never question the deeper meanings.
Not to mention, you will probably fall deeply in love with someone in the coming years and that will provide a mind-boggling array of opportunities to feel at peace with life and its most meaningful meaninglessness.
If all this sounds like some great mystery, well I guess it is. I entered this world 30 years before you and I still have a long way to go before my midlife crisis that started around age 22 ends.
But once you get used to it and are able to stop fighting the way your Mom & Dad’s genes made you and their Mom & Dad’s genes made them and theirs before them and on and on back through eons of time … once you touch peace, even just a few moments of it sandwiched between all the questions … life can be absolutely wonderful even without clear meaning.
Keep on questioning and writing and geeking and thinking Ruben — I suspect wonderfully sublime things are in store for you as life unfolds.
Had just read this post tonight. When I was a teen, I did begin to wonder about where I would end up, who I was, and that must have ultimately led to the bare open heart to accept Jesus into my life some years later. Your post brought tears to my eyes and I do wish for you sincerely to be at the point where one day you can look back and it will no longer be a question mark for you anymore. It will come to you, you will get to that stage in life. On a more practical note, the hard work and studying you do now will one day be for your children and perhaps grandchildren. I hope my reply was not too cheesy but that did pop to my mind. Take care Ruben, God bless you. Will be praying for you.
Hey, i’ve got pictures of my new emo hair
in http://tinyurl.com/6y6u6s
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