NOTE: I frantically typed up this post only a few hours after the dreadful event, so please give due consideration.
so as you can imagine it’s not exactly one of my more well thought out or weblog posts.
FOR DEBRA ANNE SCHADE. MY MUMMY.
I’m spewing whatever comes to mind first, sorry if this doesn’t make much sense. I’m als typing this not writing because computers have been my life and they’re my comfort zone.
This evening my beautiful mummy, a person who never hurt anyone and who was the centre of my life died. My dad walked in this evening to find her lying in bed cold and not moving. Because the chemo makes her so weak she spend most of her life lying in bed so when I saw her last lying there last I thought I should let her sleep. I missed my last chance to say goodbye.
She has chemotherapy for over 12 years in 3 different countries and she always said that all she wanted was just to be normal even if just for a week. She was a brilliant artist, painter and she couldn’t do any of it. She was either in pain or asleep. i was 8 when she got sick so I have almost no memories of her at all when she was well. None.
Where do I go from here I don’t know. I’m an atheist, I don’t believe in God or Heaven and I know I’ll never see her again. What I can say though is that no matter what happens shes out of pain now and I really hope that there is a chance she can see me now. I’m only 21, she’ll never see my graduate from university, marry (yeah as if anyone would want a dork like me) and she’ll never get any of the things I promised her.
I feel awful, all I can think about is what I’m going to miss out on, I can’t think about her. I am such a self absorbed arsehole, why am I worried about me? My beautiful mum is dead and the only thing I can do is look to the future and all I’ll miss. I’m a terrible terrible person.
I can’t think what else to say. All I can think of is that she was the most warm, beautiful, funny, artistic, caring, compassionate, determined, and nice person and I feel so privelidged to have had her as a mum. She was too good for me. I’m sorry it’s very cliche but thats exactly how I feel.
I tried to go to every hospital appointment she had in oncology in Brisbane, Singapore and Kuala Lumpur and some of the best memories I have are playing Yiftico with her. She beats me every time of course.
Now all I can think about are questions, I can’t live in this house anymore where are we going to go, how will I live without her because I’m such a fucking mummys boy, who will I confide in, why am I so self absorbed and all I can think about is what is going to happen to me, my sister.
My grandparents outlived my mum. There’s something wrong with that, its a terrible thing to say but I cant reconcile this. She was only 52, there are people living beyond 100 all the time, but because of our fallibility (yeah great intelligent design) she was chosen out of everyone to be infected with this shit. It couldn’t even wait till my sister and I were adults. Thats a terrible thing to say, i hate myself.
She was only telling me a few weeks ago that she wanted Spirit in the Sky played at her funeral. I imagined a time in the future when we were all old and grey and she had been cured and she had painted and played music and did all the things she said she’d do when she got better. Going back to Scotland
The chemotherapy she had to live with for all this time was getting worse and the side effects were not bordering extreme, they had surpassed it completely. She could barely lift her arms, her throat no no I’m not going to remember her like that. No more. She’s not in pain anymore.
The last conversation my dad, sister and I had as a family was downstairs where we were discussing moving the christmas tree upstairs to her room so she could celebrate. She always said that she couldn’t do anything a mum could do but the one thing she could do was be a supporter and someone I could talk to for anything.
I know she can’t read this, spirits and faerie tales and heaven and so forth, but if there is the smallest chance that somehow she can see me right now I want you to know I love you and I am so thankful for all you have ever done for me. You didn’t have one brain cell left, and you weren’t a bad mummy, a bad mummy is someone who doesn’t care about her children, mistreats them or abuses them. You were always there for me, you did everything I ever wanted you to to, and whether you knew or not, you were the best possible mummy I could have ever had and I love you. I love you so much. And I know you loved me too and did everything you could for me. I just wish I was saying this too you decades from now after we had been together for longer. I love you mummy.
She was even more than a mummy though. I lost my best friend.
I appreciate all the help you guys have given me over the years. The police and doctors have arrived and I can barely see the screen through my tears so I’ll just be submitting now. My mum believed, so for her I will say God Bless You Mummy, I hope you have finally found happiness at least more than you ever had in this life. I love you.
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16 Comments
Ruben
That was beautiful. I never met your mom, but I got to know alot about her from communicating with you. You were a lucky guy to have her as your mom. She had to be a very proud parent seeing how well she and your dad have raised you. You were the most dedicated son I have ever witnessed and I could only wish my 2 boys show a tenth of your dedication to me in my time of need. Like I said, I never met your mom, yet I am in tears thinking about all of you now. Please give my condolences to you dad and Elke. Dont be too hard on yourself Ruben, you went above and beyond, what us mear mortal folks would have done. I am quite certain that your mom is still seing you and is grateful to finally not be in constant pain anymore.
Ruben
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
Matthew
Hi Rubenerd, I am sorry about the loss of your mother. I have been following your blog only since November 2007. She is in a better place now. Will be praying for you.
Peace be with you and your family, friend. Be strong, and don’t be afraid to feel anything. I am a stranger to you, but know that one more human is loving you and your family from across the world.
My thoughts are with you and your family. Don’t look down on yourself, you did all you could. you are a model son. We’ll be here when the time is right.
So sorry for your loss. I truly believe your mother can see you now and knows how much you care. As your journey goes on, we are all with you.
Ruben - she is no longer in pain, and no longer suffering. Just remember no one can take your memories of her away from you, so as long as you have the memories, she still lives on. RIP DEBRA ANNE SCHADE.
You have been in my thoughts and heart all day - despite only 4 hours of sleep and a full-day of rushing about.
I’m so sorry your Mom passed away - I’m glad she’s not in pain any more, and I hope with all my heart that you are wrong and that there will be a time you see her again.
But she does live on in you and your sister - and that is a beautiful legacy.
(((((((hug)))))))
May she rest in peace. May your heart stop hurting so deeply some day - because the pain of her passing is gone, and all that is left there is the memories of loving her.
I want to wish you my deepest condoleances and hope that you and your family have the strength to live through the strange and unreal feeling future.
Just know that she will live on in your memory and the stories you will remember and will tell about her.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss Ruben. Take care of yourself, and let me know if I can help you in any way.
Ruben,
I am sorry for your loss. I hope you know that there are a lot of people who care about you. You are very interesting and I know you were put here to do interesting things. Your mother obviously supported the artistic side in you. Best regards, Chad
HOPE! I dont know u, but im a believer.
From the Bible:
Revelation 14:13
Then I heard a voice from heaven say, “Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.”
“Yes,” says the Spirit, “they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them.”
1 Corinthians 15:52
in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed
1 Thessalonians 4:16
For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.
I realy hope that this give you strength.
from Mexico, Ben
Hi Ruben,
Can I just say I felt very priviledged to meet you and to say thank you to your Dad and Elke for spending some time out of your obviously very busy schedule when you were here in Sydney.
You have great talents and a wicked sense of humour that will help you through some of the tough times ahead.
After reading your blogs I now feel I have a better idea of what my friend, Debra has been through.Thank you for spending the time putting them up.
I’m sure we will meet again someday!!
Hi Ruben,
Just discovered your blog.
Hope all is well & you have managed the difficult return to Singapore & reality. Thinking of you lots.
Dear Ruben,
I have just read your thoughts on Debra. You are a product of Debra, both genetically and through her parenting, so you must not put yourself down.I was so pleased to see you again and to realise what a fine man you have become. I am sure Debra is whacking you with her cane everytime you have self doubt. I know I can feel her! ouch! How are Elke and your Dad? Please give them my love. Would you like a copy of the little “talk” I gave at the funeral. Perhaps I should also write down the many funny episodes we had together.
Look after yourself my boy and please keep in touch,
love and hugs,
Megan
Couldn’t read that post and not write. I’m a mom myself now and being a mother has changed how I view mothers. Mothers put their heart and soul into their children. Love them beyond anything you can fathom before you have your own kids. She can see you. You will see her again.
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